Lyrics by Eric Levine © 2000
to the tune of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"
by (and with ap-OLOGIES to) Gilbert and Sullivan (and Tom Lehrer, too)

Vocal and 12-String Guitar: Eric

The doctors called neurologists, they specialize in nerves.
The doctors called psychiatrists, they talk to you with words.
They both prescribe medicines which need a prescription,
Which alter many things that affect your nervous system
(Isn't that interesting?!).

The people who will X-ray you are called X-ray technologists.
The doctor who reads it is called a radiologist.
There're sonograms and PET scans, you really need not wonder why,
But if you need a CAT scan, then ask "why not an MRI?"

The doctor for your heart is called a cardiologist.
Likewise, when it's contagious, it's an epidemiologist.
An obstetrician's job is the delivery of babies,
And a veterinarian will immunize your dog for rabies.

Any kind of doctor is referred to as physician.
When they are for children, they are pediatricians.
Surgeons operate on you; they're really not apologists.
The doctor who puts you to sleep's an anesthesiologist.

When it is your bones, you must see an orthopedist.
They're very down to earth; they are really not elitist.
There is a rheumatologist who is a doctor for your joints.
They have to know so many things because they cover many points.

The doctor for your kidneys is called a nephrologist.
Likewise, when it's your liver, it is a hepatologist.
When it's your immunity, you need an immunologist.
And when you have a hemorrhoid, you go to a proctologist.

For the penis and the bladder you must dial a urologist.
For women there's a check-up from a gynecologist.
The male he has to check his parts as often as the women do.
There're lots of nasty germs out there; he doesn't have to be a zoo.

When you're a senior citizen, you see a gerontologist
Whose job it is to coordinate between the other ologists.
Likewise, with serious illness to an internist don't be hesitant.
The young whippersnapper is probably a resident.

The sugar daddy doctor's a diabetologist.
The doctor playing golf may be a parasitologist [sorry, couldn't resist].
The doctor writing medical books just might be a revisionist,
And the doctor eating Blimpies might be a nutritionist.

These are some of the specialists within the system you will find,
And there're many other experts if you seek a broader paradigm.